this email is the second in a series pulling apart productivity, habit-making, and schedules. it’s also inviting you into the autumn reflection and reset workshop I made, $22, use for many seasons to come.

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​imma take you back to 2011 me: working a 9-5 (at a pharmaceutical distribution company o0) in the depths of winter in suburban michigan, living in my mom and stepdad’s old room, obsessed with binging blogs about minimalism and habit-making. I’d wake up at 5 am, in deep darkness, tiptoe to the kitchen to warm up some hot water and lemon, “meditate,” then roll out my yoga mat, drop into a 15-minute yoga flow. afterward, I’d spend 30-60 minutes with morning/mourning pages, and I honestly cannot remember what the creative practice I wanted was then, but the next chunk of minutes was spent writing on that.

sounds perfect, right? like the ideal sequence to getting the day started?

it really wasn’t.
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I was down-to-the-bone cold, tired, my morning pages filled with complaining, the “meditation” filled with ruminations about what comes next, and judging my self for ruminating instead “emptying” the mind, the “yoga” movements felt creaky and stiff. I still felt rushed getting ready for work, would forget to eat something before I left, and would move through the day with that rigidity in my mind and body, spending most of the “work” day finding where I could complain and gossip.

the “habits” I thought I was creating were really a list of action items I thought were
1) supposed to happen exactly in this order, and
2) aligned with what I wanted in my day, after having thought of the ideal day and the ideal moments inside of it. but my body was saying, no, screaming something different.

I’d keep up with this set of actions, this morning routine, for about a week, and even that felt like pushing through, forcing. I thought I needed to be more disciplined. I thought I needed to wake up every day at 5 am without fail, despite the cries of the body saying no. hitting the internal override button again and again in the name of consistency, because this is how habits are made.

and I’d go right back to waking up 30 minutes before I had to clock in, rushing out, unfed, and then I’d work through lunch as a low-key self-punishment for being late.

and the shame spiral would loop in my head.

I’m not enough, I’m a failure, other people can have peaceful mornings and a routine like this and not me.

my body would continue to tighten, to constrict. my brow would furrow, and my skin would break out in acne. my mind would succumb to victimhood, and, eventually, depression would take over.

it would take me years, lots and lots of trial and error, and many lessons learned the hard way, to find true habits, what I like to call now patterns of being.

it would take me years, and lots of experimentation and getting it “wrong” to discover that, just like productivity, it’s not at all about the habits themselves.

2011 me never once considered her capacity, her needs, the true desires of what her body craved.

all I knew, in my head, was that there was a list of things that, in theory, if I did them correctly, would bring me to a state of bliss, of inspiration, of flow.

what I didn’t know was that morning routines are not one-size-fits-all.

and this one, the January 2011 at 5 am routine, did not fit me at all.

I had bought into and internalized what the Real Simple Magazines, Target ads, and bloggers had sold me as the ticket to a new me, and I still felt like shit.

cuz that’s how habits are sold to us most of the time, like if we are disciplined or consistent enough, 21 days later it will just click and our bodies will know what to do.

if I could coach 2011 teresa (who didn’t yet know about her brain and how it worked), here’s what I’d tell her (aside from, sis, you experience ADHD and the other realms, you need something much, much different from this) and it’s what I’m telling you, if you resonate with 2011 me at all:

habits are not about the action itself. it’s about the feeling on the other side.

you are the creator.

you can create your environment, you can create the feeling of what and how you experience.

and you do that through your imagination. by imagining and choosing the feeling on the other side of the action.

I read in a post shared by Yolanda Williams, founder of Parenting Decolonized (I can’t remember who the original poster was, so if this sounds familiar and you know who it was, please let me know! would love to credit them), that for folks like us, the neurospicy, other worldly, creative ones, there is no such thing as a habit. that we must choose what we do, every single time.

and that’s why it isn’t an automatic, 21-days later, immediate thing for us to do seemingly simple, executive functioning things like making the bed, brushing our teeth, and sticking to the ideal morning routine.

cuz most of the time, and idk about you, but for me, especially in the morning, the executive functioning is not, well, functioning.

BUT. we must choose what we do, every single time. or rather, we GET to choose what we do, every single time.

when I choose to brush my teeth, it’s because I want the feeling of a fresh, clean mouth. this signals to my brain and body it’s time to start the day. when I go to make my bed, it’s because I want the feeling of the freshness of the bed as I go about my day, the pleasure of pulling the covers back and sinking into the sheets, digging my toes in the softness, at the end of it.

when I choose to write these notes, it’s because I want that feeling of connection, to my practice, to the process of creating, to you.

eventually, after months or perhaps even years of practice, for me, these actions became pleasurable within themselves.

these days, when I brush the gunk off of each tooth, I imagine I brush any gossip or complaining or gunk words I may have spoken off, too. when I go to make the bed, the baby likes to play peekaboo as I fluff the covers on the bed, filling the room with giggles and lightness and joy.

and the more I sit down to write these letters, the easier it becomes to connect.

over time, these moments have become rituals, portals into presence.

not every day is the same, and not every time is as magical. some days I’m more overwhelmed than others, and on those days, these actions become markers throughout the day that ground me back into presence. into the person I want to be and, therefore, already am.

if you want to be the person who wakes up at 5 am and exercises, picture your self waking up at 5 am and exercising. what is the feeling you’re hoping for here? are you energized? do you feel lighter, more awake, more prepared to start the day?

if you want to be the person who reads for 30 minutes every evening, picture your self reading each evening. what’s the feeling after you’ve read?

if you want to be the person who writes 1,000 words every morning or opens their sketchbook to draw something inspiring, picture the 1,000 words in the doc or the completed image on the page. how does this version of you feel?

a little practice for you:

1. take the list of habits/patterns of being you want to engage with this season (if you don’t have one yet, you can make one now!)
2. choose the one that you’re the most excited about. circle or highlight it in your favorite color if that feels good for you.
3. imagine your self on the other side of the task. how does it feel having completed it? create this feeling. cultivate how you want the sensations in your body to feel. record this feeling mentally or perhaps aloud to your self. this doesn’t need to be a dramatic meditation. imagine and think “I want to feel __” and feel what comes up in your body.
4. choose to practice the task again tomorrow. before beginning, imagine the feeling you’ve created in your body.
5. repeat until choosing the task begins to feel easeful and the task itself becomes a part of your day you might even look forward to.

a caveat: there are some habits/patterns of being that may not be for you or they might not be for you in this season.

for example, waking up at 5 am, especially in the winter, for me, doesn’t work for me. however, waking up at around 6:30 am, especially in the summer months, does. I feel refreshed, alive, and nourished by the sunrise.

you, too, will have to experiment and find a flow that works for you.

reflection & reset, a pre-recorded workshop filled with exercises, visualizations, and prompts, is a good place to start.

the “reset” portion guides you through:

• your big vision for the upcoming season,
• landing/rooting into your dreams and values,
• shaping your daily priorities (re: patterns of being/to do list/schedule) based on those values, AND
• working with your natural rhythms and ways of being, aligned with sunlight and moonlight.

I’m sharing with you the wisdom 2011 me deeply needed to feel nourished, supported, and cared for.

cuz the revolution requires us to be resourced, in all ways.

may our patterns of being call us forward into the world we are creating. may this new world of more love and compassion be deeply felt in our bones, in our nervous systems, in our hearts. may we thrive.

loving you, kapwa-tao,

teresa

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I live, work, and mother as a settler on kānaka maoli land, the island of O'ahu. In support of landback initiatives and the community here, I want to amplify the work of Oʻahu Water Protectors, The Hawai'i People's Fund, and The Hawai'i Community Bail Fund. Our support of these organizations is to support the kānaka community in defending their land and waters.

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